Greg Gutfeld: We live in the age of hyperbole

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It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times. The United States today: It’s Watergate, 9/11, the Civil War, the potato famine and the cancellation of “Sex and the City” all in one. Thank goodness because of climate change the end of the world is supposed to end in eight years. That reminds me. I have to pick up my shirts from the cleaner.

So why is everything so bad? Because we live in the age of hyperbole. In fact, some say we have been living in the biggest and most incredible hyperbole since the dawn of time! In which the hacks use extreme rhetoric to scare you and submit.

If you don’t wear a mask outside while jogging, you get blood on your hands! If you support the cops, you are racist, with blood on your hands. And if you cut your fingers into slices of tomatoes, you have blood on your hands. (Well, that would be true.) But even more – if you don’t agree with Joe – you might as well be Jefferson Davis himself.

Joe Biden, 7/13: The assault on free and fair elections is such a threat – literally. I have already said it. We are facing the most important test of our democracy since the civil war. This is not hyperbole – since the Civil War.

Joe Biden literally doesn’t know the meaning of the word. I mean – Joe says it’s not hyperbole – because he knew it was hyperbole the moment he said it. You could say he has hyperbola on his brain. And boy, the hyperbole must be very lonely.

It’s strange like a month of contesting a controversial election – making you worse than a pro-slavery Confederate Democrat waving a flag and not recycling. But Joe’s party spent four years doing the same, with the 2016 election. The irony is thicker than Brian Stelter’s thighs. Yet the hyperbole continues.

Now remember, during the Civil War – these Confederate Democrats may have owned slaves – but they never put on red hats, walked around the capital, and stole office supplies from Jerry Nadler!

Joe Biden, 7/13: The Confederates, then, never violated the Capitol as the insurgents did on January 6. I am not saying this to alarm you. I say this because you should be alarmed

So wait a sec, mate. January 6 shouldn’t have alarmed you – because on January 6 you should already have been alarmed. What is going on in this brain?

That’s right – we were already alarmed. When you, Mr. Magoo, won the election. You said you were a unifier because you saw half the country as a bunch of Nazis. How is this rhetoric not an incentive? Carry on…

Joe Biden, 7/13: I never thought in my entire career that I should say this. But I swore to you and to God to preserve, protect and defend the constitution. It is an oath that forms a sacred trust to defend America against all threats both foreign and domestic.

Dude, you wouldn’t know of a foreign threat if a shirtless Putin rode his horse in the Oval Office and took a dump on your desk. So the problem we face as Americans today isn’t us – it’s a misdiagnosis of the threat.

Russia and China are both engaged in cyber warfare. Cuba looks set to explode. And the Haitian president has just been found dead with twelve bullets in him, in other words of natural causes. And in a damp prison cell somewhere is a guy with horns on his head on the Capitol.

But who does our fearless, once hairless Commander-in-Chief see as the main threat? You and me. And the networks, surprise surprise – okay!

Lester Holt, 7/13: “The questions of when, where and how Americans vote are increasingly urgent tonight. and a test of our democracy. // David Muir, 7/13: President Biden late today in Philadelphia, the cradle of American democracy, denigrating what he calls attacks on voting rights. Republican-led efforts in more than 16 states across the country The president and this warning, calling it the most important test for our democracy since the Civil War, claiming that these new laws are meant to limit whether your vote counts or no. ”

So he paints targets for you and the media applauds.

Anyway; we live in an age where rather than using plain language to debate an issue, we resort to the language of trial: that your actions cause irreparable harm. Biden’s administration turned our country into a divorce court episode. Discard terms like vicious and inadmissible.

Democrats accuse everyone of every horrible thing imaginable – until you send them back to them. Then they go from “you’re an evil monster!” to “we ask you to respect the privacy of our family!” This inflammatory language is spreading.

On Twitter, the hyperbole fuels scalp-seeking crowds, and its stench is present in every online petition demanding a boycott. Their targets are always racist and intolerant authoritarian monsters – even when not in power – just ask Gergen gurgling.

David Gergen, 7/13: What we worried about with Trump was that he was crazy, and he’s still crazy, and he was off balance, and you know he could bring the whole system down. And he has all these authoritarian tendencies.

It’s as if an intravenous drip of “Trump’s Disturbance Syndrome” concentrate is the only thing keeping that parched shell alive. And our chief hysteric is right behind him.

Joe Biden, 7/13: The Jim Crow assault of the 21st century is real. It is relentless. And we will vigorously challenge it. // we call on my Republican friends in Congress, states, cities and counties to stand up for goodness sake and help prevent this concerted effort to undermine our elections and the sacred right to vote // do not be ashamed

Aren’t you ashamed, ask for hair sniffing, plagiarism, race-baiter. As a new report reveals that our navy is not prepared to defend our country, but is at full speed in the fight against racism, we are told the enemy is inside.

It doesn’t matter Russia or even China, which now has the world’s most formidable navy. Real monsters drive Chevrolet trucks, wear red hats, and listen to Toby Keith. And we all have to wake up, or we’ll never get rid of our bad past.

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So rather than looking to the future, we focus on exorcising the demons of past centuries, all of which were created by Democrats. Their hatred for this country runs deeper than Chicago pizza.

When we inevitably become a failed superpower, at least we’ll know why. We deserve it. Because we were worse than those murderous Confederate slave owners. And their corrupt and segregationist descendants. In other words, the Democrats.

How’s that for hyperbole?

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue in the July 14, 2021 edition of “Gutfeld!”


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